i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
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Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
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I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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