Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
