guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
