I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
