Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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