theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
