If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
