i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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