My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
