Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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