I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
