I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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