just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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