I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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