Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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