Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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