she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
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He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
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I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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