don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
