My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
