God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
