I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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