Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
