The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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