So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
