i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
