Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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