My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
