you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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