Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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