my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
