Betty ford says i'm here all night
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Dear god my vagina.
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