Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
