I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
