mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
