So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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