I wanna passion pit in your ass
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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