life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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