saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
