If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
