She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
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That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
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I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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