**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
