I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm getting married
To pizza
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
