Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
