I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
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I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
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You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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