if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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