so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
