True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
