We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
