APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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