my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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