i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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