I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
