i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
