thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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