I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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