We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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