Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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