super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
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